kated’s blog

I'm writing here because I suddenly felt like it.
Lately I feel like I have no control over what's going on. My parents are telling me to get it together, this is a critical time in my life (i.e exams) but just that is getting me upset. Bursting into tears, sobbing to the ceiling, saying go away go away immediately followed by stay stay... It all started when I realised I'm pretty much doing badly in everything. A string of Cs and Bs on my transcript does not make for a happy girl. Well a girl who thinks that going to an uber prestigious university will make her happy. I was looking at the results board...who came first in what subjects and it struck me...I'm not any of these people. I'm probably not going to get a scholarship...and since then it's been balls of liquid aching from my eyes, my eyes red red and dreams of success as I wake up thinking I'm worthless.
I'm melodramatic. I always have been.
But I wonder if I'll ever make a difference at all. Is this academic self worth relation just another sign of the existential distress I've always known to exist? Instead of me mooning over the stars, being struck by my unimportance in the grandeur of it all (another would say my importance) it's a more pragmatic realisation of smallness. There's a line in the Engineer of Souls...the very first chapter, the first few pages...
There is beauty everywhere on earth, but there is a greater beauty in those places where one feels that sense of ease which comes from no longer having to put off one's dreams until some improbable future - a future inexorably shrinking away; where the fear which has pervaded one's life suddenly vanishes because there is nothing to afraid of.

I wish to find this place.

I'm so moody. Is that wrong? I want to be able to relate to people nicely but I just can't. Maybe it's the time of year or something. March isn't my month. I feel so purposeless, as though I could disappear into a crack in the concrete and it wouldn't make a difference. The world is full of people, and I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like I'm misunderstood (how stereotypical). But I'm misunderstood because I don't want to be understood. I'm sad because I'm prone to not being happy. I'm alone because...well, I came in here alone and I'm going to leave it alone. It seems like people are the necessary accessories to a peaceful existence and I hate thinking this way. Because it's not true. It can't be.

I've just written yet another private note and I can't help but think...will things ever change?

Show us your eyeball.
Submitted by Cassie.

My eyeball!

Unlike most of my friends, I spent my Old Year's night completely alone. I was outside on a sleeping bag underneath the moon, having ant

IMG_3907

So this is my first post for the new year.
Watch this space...

What's something you did when you were younger that you still haven't confessed to your parents?
Submitted by Bizz.

Nothing serious...there are actually probably a lot but all I can remember is this:
My mum was waiting in the bank and she had left me in the car. I suddenly was struck by the idea of cutting the seatbelt with the scissors she keeps in the glove compartment. So I started sawing away and I remember telling myself very blatantly 'The devil is making me do it. The devil's hands are idle playthings.' I almost sawed away half the seatbelt with that stupid scissors before I realised what was going on. When she came back she didn't notice anything. She didn't notice anything for a week or so actually, and I blamed it on my brother.

So Merry Christmas everyone again! I don't think I've ever written a blog with a completed thought. I always get distracted and/or tired of writing here. Last year (and believe me, I've been thinking about last year) I would write all the time, to get myself out of awkward situations, to remember things, to purge emotion and to forget. I wrote to isolate myself from a world I was hostile to. Here I am now, still keeping a journal which I carry most places. But I don't lose myself to it any longer. I lose myself to people now, while still wanting to escape my place and situation. Oh I'm lucky I admit. I have loving parents, I'm not too horrible in school, I'm not too hideous, I have friends, I don;t have any dire allergies or skeletons in my closet...I just want more. Sigh.

There are some people who just have IT. People who move and have this magnetism, this instant attraction...I'm not one of these people. I'm the kind of person you love if you've known me long enough to appreciate me. I don't make friends easily or wherever I go. Perhaps sometimes I'm bothered by that. Perhaps many times I'm bothered by that...perhaps I want to be the girl everyone likes - the one we think of as perfect and want to around as though to pick her brain. But that's not who I am and it never will be. Perhaps you'll want too understand me because I am me, or perhaps not...

Christmas...gets me thinking about life. It happened last year most direly. I cried on Old Years' Night. All alone and feeling friendless...I don't want that to happen to me this year. Things happen to me when I stay in my own house. Not good things, the stagnancy starts me thinking. As tonight. Life seems to be just an object right now, something we participate in because we can. A game we play to get ahead in and get trapped in. I'm not formulating an argument for the existence of heaven just for the existence of SOMETHING ELSE. Something more. Somethings which defies anything we can currently define. Something that isn't mudane and traditional. Something which can't explain away love or friendship or happiness. No chemicals involved, no science and no law. Something that just is.

So what happened to me? Some people say I'm acting weird. Maybe I'm thinking...really thinking. Thinking in the way I used to think. And maybe...I'm not sure if it's good.

woot, it's christmas eve and it finally kind of feels like it. So yay!

I want to go and give Elenie her gift now since she is leaving for New Jersey tomorrow. But my mum won't drop me because they have both become chronic socialisers since we've gotten new furniture. Steups. They're getting tipsy...

It is 6.30 in the morning. I must leave the house at eight to go for Physics lessons. I came home at two last night.
I think I should stop drinking...odd things keep happening. I fell down on the stairs, lay there, got up, fell down, made out with my friend's friend, got up, got my phone stolen and went around pissed all night. Sigh. It seems like anytime I do anything remotely more than platonic with a guy in a club something happens to my phone. Before I lost it, another time the battery died and I was stranded till dawn (same phone, different times...). What's the point of this little soliloquy...I don't really know. I really don't know.

At least I was awake in bed for dawn...I also hate the fact that my father sleeps in the room directly above mine and apparently can hear everything I said...That used to happen to me in Scotland; I'd be on my phone in my room talking about being people Scottish porn as a souvenir and the next day my uncle would be like 'Do you want me to drop you in town to go shopping?' Maybe I should be embarassed about adults seeming to know all my business but that would get me paranoid. And paranoia is very constricting. Really, all i want is freedom.